Supporting Siblings of SEN Kids: What I’m Still Learning

I’m an only child. Anthony grew up with two siblings. Between us, we’ve always been conscious of how different sibling dynamics can be - but I don’t think anything could have prepared me for navigating them with SEN in the mix.

Devan demands a lot from us. His needs, meltdowns, and big feelings often take centre stage, whether we want them to or not. And while we do everything we can to support him, I’m acutely aware of what that means for Alyssa.

She’s only six. She’s so understanding and loving, but she shouldn’t have to be at her age. She often finds herself in Devan’s line of fire, bearing the brunt of his frustration. Sometimes the best thing we can do for him is let him ride out his meltdown - but when Alyssa is the “victim,” we obviously have to intervene. It’s a constant balancing act.

And then there are the “normal sibling things” that get tangled in all this. Alyssa antagonises Devan sometimes (as siblings do!) and I find myself snapping at her because I know it will set him off. But then the guilt crashes in. She’s just being a sister. She’s not the problem here.

I see the unfairness all the time. She acts out for attention - completely understandably - but I’m already running on empty from managing Devan, and I don’t always “have time” for her needs in that moment. And then she says things like, “I wish my brother was kind and didn’t hurt me,” and my heart just breaks. She adores him, but she also wishes he were easier to be around.

So what do we do? Honestly, we’re still figuring it out. But here are some things that have helped us (and I use “helped” loosely - we are far from perfect, and are still figuring it out day by day):

• One-on-one time. Even if it’s just 10 minutes, we carve out special time with each child. Both Alyssa and Devan thrive on it.

• Validating her feelings. When Alyssa says it’s not fair, I don’t dismiss it. I agree. I tell her, “You’re right, it isn’t fair, and I can see that’s hard for you.”

• Owning my mistakes. I often apologise to Alyssa when I react in a way that wasn’t fair to her but was more about my frustration in the moment. She deserves to hear that from me.

• Reminding her she’s not responsible for Devan. She doesn’t have to “manage” him, even if she sometimes feels like she does. That’s our job as parents.

And yet, despite all this, I still worry. I worry about the long-term impact. I worry that she'll need years of therapy because of how uneven this all feels! And the truth is I probably won’t ever stop worrying.

All I can do is keep showing up, keep learning, and keep loving both of my children the best I can. It’s messy. It’s unfair. But it’s also full of love. And maybe that’s what will matter most in the end.