The Ultimate Guide to Emotional Regulation for SEN Children

When Devan got his Xbox for his birthday, it instantly became his favourite thing in the world. He’s obsessed with football and wrestling, so naturally his two favourite games are FC and WWE. Watching him play when he’s happy is honestly lovely. He gets so excited, so invested, so passionate about it all. Sometimes Anthony will sit and play with him, and for a little while it becomes this really special bonding experience between them.

Until Devan loses. And then everything changes in seconds. Suddenly it’s:
“It’s not fair!”
“I’m never playing this again!”
“Why does this always happen to me?!”

He’ll shout, throw cushions, storm off, refuse to listen to anyone trying to calm him down. Sometimes Anthony gets frustrated too, because what started as a fun moment together suddenly feels tense and explosive.

And that’s the thing about emotional regulation in SEN children: the reaction often looks far bigger than the situation itself. But for our kids, the feelings are that big.

What Emotional Regulation Actually Means

Before becoming a SEN parent, I thought emotional regulation was mostly about behaviour. Now I understand it very differently.

Emotional regulation isn’t about “controlling” emotions or expecting children to stay calm all the time. It’s about being able to recognise feelings, process them safely, and eventually return to a regulated state.

And for children with ADHD, autism, sensory challenges, or emotional regulation difficulties, that process can feel incredibly hard. Their nervous systems often experience emotions more intensely. Frustration feels overwhelming. Disappointment feels unbearable. Injustice feels enormous.

And when they become dysregulated, logic usually disappears completely.

What Dysregulation Looks Like in Our Home

For Devan, dysregulation often looks physical. He might throw toys or cushions, shout, lash out, or completely shut down communication. He refuses to listen because, in that moment, he genuinely cannot access calm reasoning.

Sometimes he’ll keep repeating the same things over and over:
“It’s unfair.”
“No one cares about me.”
“I never get my way.”

And one of the hardest things I’ve had to learn is that once he’s in that state, there’s often no “fixing” it in the moment. Sometimes we can even give him the thing he originally wanted… and he’ll still stay angry because the dysregulation has already taken over.

That was a huge learning curve for me.

The Sibling Dynamic Nobody Talks About Enough

Alyssa and Devan absolutely adore each other. But they also fight constantly. And honestly? Sometimes the sibling dynamic is one of the most emotionally exhausting parts of parenting.

Alyssa is bubbly, expressive, and loves singing and dancing around the house. Devan cannot stand it sometimes. He’ll tell her to stop singing, stop dancing, be quiet, go away.

At the same time, she’s also a typical sister. She knows exactly how to wind him up. She’ll pull the blanket away from him on the couch even though there are two blankets. She’ll sit right on top of him when there’s plenty of space elsewhere. She’ll take a toy and run off laughing.

And because Devan struggles so much with emotional regulation, these tiny sibling moments can escalate incredibly quickly. What starts as something small can suddenly become shouting, pushing, tears, and both children needing me at the exact same time. It’s overwhelming.

And if I’m honest, there are moments where I lose patience too. Because after breaking up the tenth argument of the day, hearing “Devan hurt me!” again, and trying to stop another meltdown before it explodes, I’m already emotionally exhausted myself.

That’s something I think more parents need to talk about: Our children’s dysregulation can dysregulate us too.

What I’ve Learned Doesn’t Work

There are so many things I’ve learned the hard way.

Trying to reason with Devan during a meltdown? Pointless. Talking too much? Makes it worse. Shouting? Definitely makes it worse  -  even though, sometimes, shouting feels like the only thing my nervous system wants to do in that moment.

That’s been one of the hardest parts for me personally.

Because when your child is shouting, your other child is upset, dinner still needs making, work has drained you, and you’ve already been holding yourself together all day… staying calm can feel almost impossible.

But I’ve had to learn that my reaction matters hugely. Not because I need to be a perfect parent (I’m absolutely not), but because escalation feeds escalation.

What Has Actually Helped

The biggest shift for us has been understanding that Devan isn’t choosing this.

That might sound obvious, but it’s something I still have to consciously remind myself sometimes. Especially because now that he’s on medication, he’s actually able to verbalise the difference himself. He’ll say things like: “I can stay calmer now.” Or: “I’m not getting angry like I used to.”

And that’s been huge for me, because it reinforces that this isn’t simply “bad behaviour.” These are genuine regulation struggles.

Some of the things that have helped us the most are:

• Staying calm (or tag-teaming as parents when one of us can’t)
• Validating his feelings before trying to solve anything
• Preparing him well for transitions or changes
• Keeping routines predictable
• Looking for patterns around hunger, overstimulation, tiredness, or disappointment
• Reconnecting after meltdowns instead of focusing only on consequences

One thing Devan responds to really strongly is feeling understood.

If I say:
“I understand why you got upset.”
or:
“I can see why that felt unfair to you.”

…he softens much faster than if I immediately jump into correcting the behaviour. Because underneath the anger is usually hurt, overwhelm, frustration, or disappointment. And after a meltdown, he almost always becomes incredibly affectionate. He cries, apologises, comes for cuddles, and wants reassurance and closeness.

That repair matters so much.

Why Tracking Patterns Matters

One thing I’ve learned over time is that emotional regulation struggles rarely happen in isolation. There are usually patterns underneath them.

For Devan, hunger is a massive trigger. Feeling misunderstood is another. Overstimulation, disappointment, sibling conflict, tiredness - they all play a role too. That’s why I’m such a big believer in tracking patterns, emotions, meltdowns, and routines.

Not to “fix” our children. Not to monitor them obsessively. But to understand them better.

Because when we start seeing the patterns, we can support our children more proactively instead of constantly feeling like we’re firefighting.

This is also one of the reasons I created the journals and trackers inside Thrive Creations - because sometimes having everything written down in one place helps bring clarity to what otherwise feels chaotic.

The Heart Behind The Mood Mates

The Mood Mates were born from all of this. From wanting children like Devan to feel seen.

Blaze, especially, is deeply connected to him. And honestly, seeing Devan relate to Blaze has been emotional for me as a parent. He loves that Blaze feels the way he does. He sees himself in the story. And that’s exactly what I wanted.

Not a character who’s “perfect.” Not a child who magically learns to stay calm all the time. But a child who feels big feelings… and learns that those feelings don’t make him bad.

Because our children need that message desperately.

Closing Thoughts

If there’s one thing emotional regulation has taught me, it’s this: Progress is rarely linear.

Some days, Devan handles things beautifully. Other days, the smallest disappointment can completely derail him. Some days, I respond calmly and patiently. Other days, I get overwhelmed too. We’re all still learning.

But emotional regulation isn’t about perfection. It’s about helping our children feel safe enough, understood enough, and supported enough to slowly build those skills over time.

And honestly? Sometimes the biggest step forward is simply realising: “They’re not giving us a hard time. They’re having a hard time.”

That shift changes everything 💜